DEATH AND TAXES
This has been a very long block of training with no race. and that is both good and bad.
good because without races to taper for and recover from, i have been able to focus on deepening my base. bad, because i am starting to get bored. one can only go so long without a test.
i have a good schedule in mind for the year. and there is a golden fleece to quest after: Ironman Arizona.
enough said.
april is tax month, and the inspiration for today's blog came from my accountant.
i think that annual meetings would be an interesting paradigm for psychotherapy. what if everyone had to attend a meeting once per year, that was about them, with someone who is a relative stranger but who is confidential and knows many intimate details (and some would say money is more intimate than sex)? managed health care and insurance companies should love this idea. there is something valuable about seeing the same, somewhat anonymous person each year, talking about your life, and reflecting. with a bit of extra training, accountants could probably ask a few pointed questions, turn in their office swivel chairs, pause a bit, stare at the ceiling, ask people to elaborate, and then bill an extra 300 bucks for psychoanalysis. and probably, just as much would change in people's lives. there would probably be just as much insight gained as if they had been lying on a couch free associating four or five times a week.
or maybe i am just trying to resolve my own cognitive dissonance about paying tax by finding some value in the experience.
but, regardless, it was my annual encounter with my accountant that has caused me to reflect upon something really important. first, he congratulated me on my ironman finish last year. then he asked me what was next on my "bucket list". it took me fractions of a second to reply "IRONMAN ARIZONA".
alot of people might have different answers. maybe they would say they want to focus on their careers, publish something, get an academic promotion, maybe climb a mountain, turn to adventure racing, see the East. there are a million things you could put on your bucket list if you were sane and/or well rounded. me...another Ironman. only faster. i am most definitely not done with ironman. well rounded to me, is a term referring to how aero my shoulders are in the coronal plane.
then he asked if i was using my race to raise funds again for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, and he told me he would be happy to donate again. this triggered something.
i had concocted this vision that my first ironman would be a homage to cancer survival and that would be it. how many times can you raise funds for the same thing? how many times can you find a coherent theme in your actions?: man survives cancer, man does ironman, man raises money for cancer with ironman. is there a repeat button???
i am not sure what i am going to do. but, my visit to the accountant awakened me to the fact that i am not done with ironman (i knew that) but neither am i done with the cancer survivor thing (i didn't know that), and i am definitely not done with connecting the two in my head.
i have been thinking that MY ROAD TO PENTICTON had closed a door. but maybe it opened one instead.i thought that there were greater, archetypal, more universal reasons for me doing ironman. but maybe i was wrong. maybe in some weird way, i have found a home. and this is it. cancer survivor...ironman...kona qualifier??? (it doesn't hurt to dream), guy who races ironmans and connects this to a tribute of what it means to survive...yeah, i like that. who says repetition is bad? unconscious repetition can lead to stagnation, but out of repetition springs greatness also, perhaps awareness is the catalyst that allows repetition to be a source of growth rather than a cess-pool.
paying tax and death are inevitable. i have flirted with death. i pay the tax man his due. out of the inevitable, so it seems, maybe, i have become aware of a psychic home where i can connect my own personal narrative to my anger, my resignation, my fear, my indignation, my identity as a cancer survivor, and to my quest for greatness through ironman. this is starting to make sense. and to feel good.
maybe, just maybe, all of this will look less compelling to me once i take a good shit and then i will regret pressing the publish button.
but, maybe not.
either way, good things are looming. i sense it.
i think that i am actualizing something about my psychological core. endurance animal. survivor. guy who tries to transcend the inherent limits of existence by working within them...again and again and again...
good because without races to taper for and recover from, i have been able to focus on deepening my base. bad, because i am starting to get bored. one can only go so long without a test.
i have a good schedule in mind for the year. and there is a golden fleece to quest after: Ironman Arizona.
enough said.
april is tax month, and the inspiration for today's blog came from my accountant.
i think that annual meetings would be an interesting paradigm for psychotherapy. what if everyone had to attend a meeting once per year, that was about them, with someone who is a relative stranger but who is confidential and knows many intimate details (and some would say money is more intimate than sex)? managed health care and insurance companies should love this idea. there is something valuable about seeing the same, somewhat anonymous person each year, talking about your life, and reflecting. with a bit of extra training, accountants could probably ask a few pointed questions, turn in their office swivel chairs, pause a bit, stare at the ceiling, ask people to elaborate, and then bill an extra 300 bucks for psychoanalysis. and probably, just as much would change in people's lives. there would probably be just as much insight gained as if they had been lying on a couch free associating four or five times a week.
or maybe i am just trying to resolve my own cognitive dissonance about paying tax by finding some value in the experience.
but, regardless, it was my annual encounter with my accountant that has caused me to reflect upon something really important. first, he congratulated me on my ironman finish last year. then he asked me what was next on my "bucket list". it took me fractions of a second to reply "IRONMAN ARIZONA".
alot of people might have different answers. maybe they would say they want to focus on their careers, publish something, get an academic promotion, maybe climb a mountain, turn to adventure racing, see the East. there are a million things you could put on your bucket list if you were sane and/or well rounded. me...another Ironman. only faster. i am most definitely not done with ironman. well rounded to me, is a term referring to how aero my shoulders are in the coronal plane.
then he asked if i was using my race to raise funds again for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, and he told me he would be happy to donate again. this triggered something.
i had concocted this vision that my first ironman would be a homage to cancer survival and that would be it. how many times can you raise funds for the same thing? how many times can you find a coherent theme in your actions?: man survives cancer, man does ironman, man raises money for cancer with ironman. is there a repeat button???
i am not sure what i am going to do. but, my visit to the accountant awakened me to the fact that i am not done with ironman (i knew that) but neither am i done with the cancer survivor thing (i didn't know that), and i am definitely not done with connecting the two in my head.
i have been thinking that MY ROAD TO PENTICTON had closed a door. but maybe it opened one instead.i thought that there were greater, archetypal, more universal reasons for me doing ironman. but maybe i was wrong. maybe in some weird way, i have found a home. and this is it. cancer survivor...ironman...kona qualifier??? (it doesn't hurt to dream), guy who races ironmans and connects this to a tribute of what it means to survive...yeah, i like that. who says repetition is bad? unconscious repetition can lead to stagnation, but out of repetition springs greatness also, perhaps awareness is the catalyst that allows repetition to be a source of growth rather than a cess-pool.
paying tax and death are inevitable. i have flirted with death. i pay the tax man his due. out of the inevitable, so it seems, maybe, i have become aware of a psychic home where i can connect my own personal narrative to my anger, my resignation, my fear, my indignation, my identity as a cancer survivor, and to my quest for greatness through ironman. this is starting to make sense. and to feel good.
maybe, just maybe, all of this will look less compelling to me once i take a good shit and then i will regret pressing the publish button.
but, maybe not.
either way, good things are looming. i sense it.
i think that i am actualizing something about my psychological core. endurance animal. survivor. guy who tries to transcend the inherent limits of existence by working within them...again and again and again...
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