Different Holes for Different Asses
"Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one" Anonymous
The famous expression quoted above could easily be changed around to have complimentary meanings. Assholes like opinions are ubiquitous. Or, how about this: there are as many assholes as their are opinions...or, assholes are as numerous as the people who own them. One thing about opinions and assholes is that there always seem to be more than enough to go around.
Funny that such an important part of the anatomy can come to have derogatory, insulting signification in the vernacular. But as necessary as assholes are, lets face it, they do dirty but important work. They spew forth excrement, they act as passage for rude gasses that should never see the light of day, they do other things that I am simply not bold enough to write, not here anyways.
Sport, in general, has a big asshole factor associated with it. Something about competition bares the inner asshole of most people to the world, making mooners of us all. And, maybe, sport is not unique. I have seen more than my fair share of poopshoot posturing in academia and the ranks of most professions.
So, in some ways, I walk the plank that separates the brilliant from the banal here in this post. It is simply just too obvious to point out that people can be assholes.
Nevertheless, as a student of human nature and behaviour, I cannot help but reflect upon my experiences as a member of different sub-cultures, groups and/or cohorts, and marvel at the unique nature of the endurance sport asshole, and, in particular the triathlete, and most particularly the short course triathlete.
This summer, is all about getting ready for Ironman Arizona. But, part of that, is making sure I race a bit more than last year, and hence, I have been doing more short course than I have done for a couple of years. It has been an eye opener.
Ironman is certainly not immune to assholes, but, an ironman is more like a pilgrimage site, it tends to bring out the best, most reverent parts of ourselves. An Ironman is never easy for anyone. It is, by nature, humbling. And most people respond to that with a "simmer down now" sort of attitude. The same is true, although a bit less so, at halfs I have been to. Most people just seem to respect the distance, the efforts of others, and to sort of share in the environment of everyone reaching for their own stars.
When we come down to the Oly and less events, we are into a different demographic and dynamic. An Olympic distance race is like a smorgasbord of asshole varietals. Horticultural science is full of examples where just the right balance of sun, water, shade etc. is needed for certain species to flourish. Well, there is something particular about the olympic and sprint distances that provide near hot-house, grow op conditions for certain kinds of assholes. I have, in what follows, sketched out a few, just for fun.
1. the better than me asshole: this one is simple. if you are faster than me, you are a fucking asshole.
2. the i think i am faster than you asshole: this one is not so simple. it involves the rage one encounters when confronted with the petulant hubris of someone else. this is the guy who gives you fears of getting a drafting penalty because he refuses to "simmer down" when passed, and starts playing cat and mouse with you on the bike. he surges to pass you, slows down to a snails pace, then speeds up again when you pass him. then he might even skid into a near crash at the turnaround. the only good thing about this kind of asshole is you won't see him in the run.
3. the rich asshole: plenty of these. the sport was made for them. need i say more?
4. the drafting asshole: i am not saying you can't find these in long course. but things are usually more spread out. at short course, there is always one guy who blatantly comes so far up my ass, i feel like i am being raped. if this was long course, i would piss on him, but i never have to piss during an oly.
5. the pass on the right asshole: why do i never see pass on the right penalties? this is dangerous, frivolous and stupid. if you pass on the right, you are a huge asshole, because you are putting everyone around you in danger.
6. the zig zag swim asshole: this is the asshole who can't swim straight and who doesn't swim slow enough to be passed easily but who doesn't swim fast enough to want to draft off of. he zig zags into your space continually, and seems to have no awareness that there is anyone else in the water. fuck, it sucks to be in the last half swimming!, although i imagine that when i evolve through the swim pack i will encounter many other forms of asshole-hood, some, no doubt, far more toxic in nature than the self un-aware, zig-zag asshole.
7. the transition zone asshole: this is the guy who sets up on the wrong side, or who racks his bike the way he probably parks his car, taking up two spaces, and maybe even has an irritating fucking plastic box with all his transition shit in it. i hate this kind of asshole.
8. the brag to my buddies asshole: this is the guy who you are forced to stand near in line as you register. he is talking to his buddies about all the long course races he did, and all the century rides he did, while registering for a short course race. funny, but i never hear anyone talking about all the long course races they did at long course registrations. i hate this kind of asshole.
well, maybe that is enough for now. a nice top ten list would have been...well, nice. it is not that i can't think of two other kinds of assholes. i am just tired. i am that kind of asshole. the i ran out of steam on this blog kind of asshole.
This summer, is all about getting ready for Ironman Arizona. But, part of that, is making sure I race a bit more than last year, and hence, I have been doing more short course than I have done for a couple of years. It has been an eye opener.
Ironman is certainly not immune to assholes, but, an ironman is more like a pilgrimage site, it tends to bring out the best, most reverent parts of ourselves. An Ironman is never easy for anyone. It is, by nature, humbling. And most people respond to that with a "simmer down now" sort of attitude. The same is true, although a bit less so, at halfs I have been to. Most people just seem to respect the distance, the efforts of others, and to sort of share in the environment of everyone reaching for their own stars.
When we come down to the Oly and less events, we are into a different demographic and dynamic. An Olympic distance race is like a smorgasbord of asshole varietals. Horticultural science is full of examples where just the right balance of sun, water, shade etc. is needed for certain species to flourish. Well, there is something particular about the olympic and sprint distances that provide near hot-house, grow op conditions for certain kinds of assholes. I have, in what follows, sketched out a few, just for fun.
1. the better than me asshole: this one is simple. if you are faster than me, you are a fucking asshole.
2. the i think i am faster than you asshole: this one is not so simple. it involves the rage one encounters when confronted with the petulant hubris of someone else. this is the guy who gives you fears of getting a drafting penalty because he refuses to "simmer down" when passed, and starts playing cat and mouse with you on the bike. he surges to pass you, slows down to a snails pace, then speeds up again when you pass him. then he might even skid into a near crash at the turnaround. the only good thing about this kind of asshole is you won't see him in the run.
3. the rich asshole: plenty of these. the sport was made for them. need i say more?
4. the drafting asshole: i am not saying you can't find these in long course. but things are usually more spread out. at short course, there is always one guy who blatantly comes so far up my ass, i feel like i am being raped. if this was long course, i would piss on him, but i never have to piss during an oly.
5. the pass on the right asshole: why do i never see pass on the right penalties? this is dangerous, frivolous and stupid. if you pass on the right, you are a huge asshole, because you are putting everyone around you in danger.
6. the zig zag swim asshole: this is the asshole who can't swim straight and who doesn't swim slow enough to be passed easily but who doesn't swim fast enough to want to draft off of. he zig zags into your space continually, and seems to have no awareness that there is anyone else in the water. fuck, it sucks to be in the last half swimming!, although i imagine that when i evolve through the swim pack i will encounter many other forms of asshole-hood, some, no doubt, far more toxic in nature than the self un-aware, zig-zag asshole.
7. the transition zone asshole: this is the guy who sets up on the wrong side, or who racks his bike the way he probably parks his car, taking up two spaces, and maybe even has an irritating fucking plastic box with all his transition shit in it. i hate this kind of asshole.
8. the brag to my buddies asshole: this is the guy who you are forced to stand near in line as you register. he is talking to his buddies about all the long course races he did, and all the century rides he did, while registering for a short course race. funny, but i never hear anyone talking about all the long course races they did at long course registrations. i hate this kind of asshole.
well, maybe that is enough for now. a nice top ten list would have been...well, nice. it is not that i can't think of two other kinds of assholes. i am just tired. i am that kind of asshole. the i ran out of steam on this blog kind of asshole.
Seriously funny stuff. The only other type I've seen in the Peacock Asshole. He is like the bragging asshole but usually a solitary individual with race shirts, bandannas, and jackets from all the high profile tri's. He parades around hoping somebody notices!
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