Death and Metal in May

"you know i'm born to lose, and gambling's for fools
but that's the way i like it baby i don't want to live forever..." Lemmy

the thing about gambling is that even though it is hopeless, some peope do win sometimes, for moments anyways, where-as i think lemmy was really talking about life, the certain doom it spells, and the pragmatic rebellion of risk taking and just saying fuck it in the face of inevitability..."sure the game of life is not fair, but i don't care, i am going to stomp all over the fucking gameboard and have some fun messing with the pieces"...

ahhh. heavy metal.

"gather the wind, though the wind won't help you fly at all...chain the sun and it tears away and it breaks you as you run...life's fantasy, to be locked away and still to think you're free"  Dio.

wow, these heavy metal icons were experts at acknowledging futility in a fuck you kind've way, weren't they?

 this month, i have been deep into my own playlists comprised of vintage sabbath, motorhead, zeppelin...music that i was on the cusp of adolescence when i first encountered it; i can remember owning a rock t-shirt with the angels smoking on front and thinking how "evil" it was...die young, heaven and hell...such dramatic imagery, this music felt wrong, and there-in was a great deal of its appeal (hey joe if you are reading this i think of you also)

...now i am re-living classic metal from with-in a middle aged renaissance and appreciating its subtleties on a completely different level (yes i am aware of the irony in that). it is my psychic energy bar as i power into a large volume training phase in prep for IM tremblant later this summer. it has me head banging and waving "the horns" around as i gesticulate behind the wheel of my post-modern station wagon. i have had more than one epiphany in this way, more than anyone can reasonably ask for.

"so live for today, tomorrow never comes, die young", Dio
"playing for the high one, dancing with the devil, going with the flow, it's all a game to me" Lemmy

it is somewhat morbid to have these words going through your head as you speed along lonely country roads, vulnerable, in the aero position. i cringe slightly as a ghost car with a drunk driver crests the hill behind me...(this is the same road that Sjaan Girth was smashed up on 2 years ago)...i shake it off

"silent woman my face has changed, some know in ways to come, feel my fire needs a brand new flame, and the wheel rolls on" Robert Plant

i was 12 years old when die young was released; i wonder at how old i am that i am quoting lyrics from heavy metal stars who are now dead.  but i am old enough to sort of not care; i am old enough to realize how irrelevant time is; this music is today, dio still lives... i sense my own futility, yet i still feel rebellious. i am in synch with these whisperers from the grave. i am living their message.

not that i want to die young. but i don't want to grow old either. i am trapped. i rebel. i feel free sometimes, but i know that this is only time allowing me some brief moments of existential grandiosity before it swallows me up.

"if it seems to be real it's illusion, for every moment of truth, there's confusion in life" Dio

recently, someone very close to me almost died. one moment they were healthy, vibrant, full of life. the next, they were delirious, septic, in severe pain, their body wracked by minions of un-sentient micro-organisms. their journey continues, but the conditions of their existence have been inextricably altered by an arbitrary infection.

this kind of thing makes me mad. what do i do with this rage?

i blast die young in the car, my mind soars to heaven and hell, i growl and turn up the volume to ace of spades; and...i ride my bike for 5 hours and then run. the endurance life is my answer to life's futility. it is where i can release my anger. it is where i feel free (but know i am not) it is where i spend countless hours building up a body that i know time will only break down and one day destroy. it is my house of cards, but i have grown to love it; it is where i am, and in my best moments i don't even think about keeping the house up, i lose my anxiety about that...i am almost ready to go reeling into the sun...

these are some thoughts that have gone through my head this month. these are some of the tunes that have driven me on, for those interested, here is a link to a play list of my top six in May...

6

  i would be glad if this music has a similarly inspiring effect for anyone else.