the ides of march

beware the ides of march...it was cold, windy, grey and lonely for the first hour of my 28k run this morning. but, strangely, ironically even, i had the peter frampton song "show me the way" running through my head, talk box and all. there was thus an optimism in my stride that stood in stark juxtaposition to my surroundings....and this was proof, i am sure, of neuro-plasticity, as my brain has, after only a few weeks really, started to correlate long runs, with 70's vintage rock played over bluetooth headphones, and so, in the absence of real auditory input, good ole brain just makes something up. my brain likes atmosphere.

spock is dead. the man who symbolized logic and reason to a generation of TV-heads is gone forever. just one more thing from my childhood that i can watch on youtube, but never touch.

 this blog has lots to do with death, mortality, ageing. i am trying to shake the winter off, with all of its bleakness and foreboding. if winter is the season of death, then spring is re-birth, re-generation, fecundity, proof of immortality.

 another birthday has passed. 40 something...40 whatever,
40 closer to 50, 40 fuck i am mortal and this is all moving really fast...that kind of 40 something. i wish the roller coster was longer, or moved slower, but wait, then it would be less fun. longer it is. but the problem with roller coasters is that they slow down, the bumps become less dramatic,  the turns less exciting, the last few meters are dead boring, in fact. wow, life really is a roller coaster. and maybe longer isn't really better.

the ides of march turned quite nice in the afternoon. the sun emerged, and the wind died down a bit. i went to the beach with my oldest daughter. my fist real winter beachscape experience.

it was beautiful. she made winter sandcastles and i marvelled at my child playing in the sand next to a bright blue vista of water, while she was wearing ski pants. later on, we had our own private tail gate party at dairy queen and watched squirrels in the midst of amorous chasing games on a local fence. it was, as leonard nimoy would have said, a "perfect moment".

several weeks prior, i started to re-discover the allman brothers and this, in turn, got me thinking about jo dutra, my daily tennis training partner from the age of 14-17. jo looked like frank zappa on steroids. he was a great runner, and a largely self made, late life, class A tennis player. through jo, i learned so many things; to wash my face to avoid acne, to change my socks, about steely dan, zz top, the band, ccr, and yes, the allmans. jo was a mentor in so many ways, and i started to miss him, to wonder what he was "up to" these days. i was sure that my wife's facebook account would "show me the way".

about 1/2 hour later, via the modern miracle of the internet, i learned that jo had passed away, five years earlier, from cancer. my world shook. it was nothing anyone would have noticed, but something fundamental in me cracked. something about my bubble of eternal youth and training and valhalla and all that shit came crumbling down. how could this be? my mentor, jo the fast runner (before running was even cool), the stud who would do two hours of drills with me every morning, run 10k and then go to work, the dude with the 70's firebird, the long hair and the stash. jo the man of steel whom i hero worshipped growing up. jo, the guy who first told me about an ironman (pointing out to me that they were real athletes while tennis was a game).  he was gone? like i said, my world shook.

"the future is uncertain and the end is always near" jim morrison.

several weeks later, i email a friend, let's call him jay, to share my new penchant for vintage 70's rock.  jay has a band, so i thought he would understand. jay is also a fast runner. a 3 hour marathoner in his 50's. no slouch. jay is a type A extreme athlete whom i have been looking forward to riding with again this summer as he maybe prepares for IMAZ in the fall.  he tells me that he had a heart attack a few weeks back.

i am stunned. my world shakes some more. the bubble of youth/illusion and fair summer days of endless training and the endless building into something greater, the feeling that my body is taking more and more and more and growing stronger and stronger, that my friends will always be there, all of these impressions of timeless potency and thumbing my nose at father time are thrown against a canvass of shitty,  harsh, reality and the seeds of fear and anxiety begin to sow.

what do i do?

i book myself a full physical. i want a cardiogram, echo, bloodwork, prostate exam...you name it. who cares if i just went through it all one year ago when i bought life insurance? suddenly, i am tense about pushing myself too hard on that next interval bike workout. i feel fragile.

the ides of march indeed. winter is harsh. its shadows sting like jelly fish. much lurks beneath its melting boulders of snow. the secrets of the dead. too much death and mortality for me. fuck that. i am the enduranceanimal. the comic super-hero of spandex, racing flats and power meter fame. fuck off death. just go fuck yourself. don't you know that spring is here?