21 Days Out

once again, i find myself hovering near the precipice of another ironman race...tremblant is but 21 days away.

i have experienced the usual epic training days, the endorphin highs, the playing of hooky for all day bricks and then celebratory BBQ at night; (ah valhalla) and, also, the gut wrenching, horrible days when my body is a numb haze of zombie meat going through the motions.  like salt and pepper, such days, such juxtaposed experiences have formed the backbone of spice in the sauce that has been this build.

and like constructing a sauce, it always starts the same but turns out different along the way. same ingredients, same routines, unique outcomes. funny how something so rehearsed can turn out so different each time. cooking and ironman builds share a great deal in common.

yes, all of this quite familiar. i don't really even need the recipe book any more.

but i have yet to cook that really expansive and divine ironman meal where everything is perfectly browned and carmelized, and ooozing texture and flavor.

there is a big difference between walking a big walk and talking a big talk....

 and this time, having been "joan of arc" several times already, i vow to keep my big mouth shut....

i am excited but not excited. i am not happy and i am not sad. i am tired like fuck. i hate tapering.

spinoza really has polluted or emancipated my mind, depending on how you look at it, because i have a much more deep down attitude of resignation about about whatever will happen than ever before.

yes, i have dreams. i  have seen them crushed before. it is not that i dont' dare to dream, but i also know that whatever will be will be and i will be really just going along for the ride. i am beginning to lose the illusion that what i want will make any difference to the outcome. the road of desire twists and turns in parallel with the road of what happens. there may be little or no "cross talk" between the two. i understand that now.

i hope that this pseudo-zen, non-zen state of semi-detached expectancy can last. i feel a little bit peaceful. i have never felt this before so close to an ironman.

don't let my big mouth get in the way. don't let my big dreams get out of hand. things could turn out remarkably well, or not...regardless, i am pretty damn sure that i will find myself doing it again, and relatively soon, as long as my body allows.