Working Towards Reality

when i was in my 20's i wrote a story about a man who finds a set of headphones on his commuter train, puts them on, and is transported to a mediteranian beach of mythic proportions where he lives out a gripping sexual fantasy with the perfect woman...he later realizes the danger inherent in these headphones and how they will make his real life un-livable, so he throws them in the trash, finding comfort in the dull regularity of the city subway stop where he exits to go to work...

i used to see this man as weak, as afraid to live out his fantasies, as not brave enough to risk constant ecstasy. i used to view the man in my story as analagous to a caged animal who runs back into his cage when given a shot at freedom. those were the days when i glorified junkies.

now, i am more inclined to see wisdom in what i formerly thought was weakness; tempered sanity isn't exactly "safe" and it might be less fun in some ways, but it is preferable to the certain destruction that accompanies a flight into the realms of hubris and fantasy.

funny, i started this blog, more than five years ago, pondering on the nature of hubris and the character of icarus.  questing towards an ironman is like reaching for the sun in some ways and we endurance junkies can, like icarus, be seen as either desperately un-grounded or brave enough to reach for the impossible, depending on how you look at us.

 i realize that for much of the first part of my "endurance career" i have been absorbed in fantasy. ironman training serves as my magic headphones, it is my method of escape from the drudgeries of existence, an enactment of my hero archetype, a futile, angry middle finger at death. in training in particular, i am often transported away from my mundane existence, i become someone else.

the problem with this is that actually achieving my best ironman race in the real world probably means that i need to give up on alot of the fantasy factor. in this way, self-actualization, in the sense of realizing my true potential in an ironman requires alot of careful and deliberate self evaluation and reigning in of fantastic archetypes that drive one into abysses of over-training in order to get fed. yes, if i want to actually get good at ironman, i need to re-think in some ways the essence of why i am doing it. it needs to take on different psychological functions for me than before. i must lose something in order to gain something...

the border between fact and fantasy becomes less obvious over time. ironman texas is just a few weeks away. i now think that for the first time ever, i have a grounded, measured and realistic bike plan in terms of power. previous race plans and training blocks were based on what i wanted to do, who i thought i was, and probably missed the mark. my training was compromised because it was too hard sometimes, not hard enough at others,  as a result of accumulated fatigue, which resulted from chasing a number in training that i felt i should be able to do at a race and using that as my gauge. and i realize now that you can fake it enough also to fool a coach into getting deluded along with you, because that is what i did.

so, just because you are using numbers doesn't mean you have your feet on the ground. you need to ask yourself where those numbers come from, and how they feel, i mean really FEEL, in relation to the daunting task of completing an ironman without blowing up or running out of steam along the way. if you have your magic headphones on too much of the time, then you inevitably get lost in the chase of ecstasy rather than the pursuit of excellence.

i am hoping that this time, i have set things up so that i get closer to self-actualization and a little less concerned about self-transcendence....