IM Texas 2017 Part 2: Cry Me a River

i've seen 7 ironman finish lines now, so i can't say i'm exactly new to it. in fact, in most avenues of life i would have said that after 7 you should pretty much have "it" figured out, as in how to do it, and do it well. ironman is a harsh and unforgiving mistress and although i think i've learned a few things, i can't say i have her "figured out" at this point. not at least if figuring it out means having a race that in which you feel you showed what you got and finished in a time that your training would predict.

i am sure i am not alone.  to most outsiders it must seem stupid. i mean, why keep banging your head against a wall? why keep exposing yourself to such torture, why make such a large amount of sacrifice to be frustrated time and time again?

there are no excuses; either it happens or not. but, having said that here is what i've experienced in my 8 races so far:

-#1 36 degree heat on one of the toughest courses in the world; but it was number 1 so anything was good

#2  i crashed my bike the day prior to the race, got there late because of passport issues, and raced with road rash all over one side of my body

#3  i crashed my bike during the race when some moron decided to walk in front of me, i finished with loose handlebars, shaken after crashing at 30 plus k per hour, had to stop to fix my bike a couple times, and then ran through heat and then torrential downpours with a swollen, cut knee and sore neck from the crash

#4  my whole family got sick the week of the race and i tried to race sick and had to pull out

#5  my goggles were knocked off in the swim, i was dunked, panicked, then i flatted on the bike and one of my aero pads fell off.

#6  again, my kids were sick the week of the race and i fought with a sore throat and myalgias until the day before the race. i raced not feeing 100% at the start, and my saddle popped loose half way through the bike ride so i finished with it tilted down and me supporting my weight in a weird way

#7  i felt ok come race day but had put myself into a deep hole of overtraining such that i had to stop roadside during a training ride just 2 weeks out from the race and then it rained hard all day long on the bike and i, not being the best bike handler in the world and not being keen on leaving my two kids with an injured dad, rode very conservatively and lost shit-loads of tme that way.

#8  which brings us to texas. this seemed to be the one. i had shaken up my training a bit, demonstrated superior fitness in training and through vo2 max testing; i had avoided training holes and was fresh and rested; but i woke up with a stuffy nose the morning of the race. (i flew down 2 days prior to the race in a plane full of people hacking, sneezing and coughing including a man and his wife directly behind me)

 i felt okay to race and finished but quite a bit slower than projected. my pulse was about 25 beats higher than normal on the bike with sub-optimal power, and a good 20 beats higher on the run, indicating something was wrong. i found ways to get through, even though i was struggling in the first hour of the bike and my body felt like quitting.  i pushed through and finished in a good deal more pain than i am used to, even given that it was ironman. i ended up having a light head cold but enough to throw things off.

if i were superstitious i might say i was cursed. i have certainly had more than my share of shit luck when it comes to having things fall in place nicely for a nice, fast ironman race. yes, maybe there are things i can look at in my taper to minimize the chances of getting sick and i will do that.

so, looking at the bottom line, in terms of finishing time and place, in terms of getting what i had worked for, texas this year was another let down.  i would be lying if i said that i don't feel anger, frustration, sadness, futility. i have considered giving up, but only very briefly and not with any serious intention, sort've the way someone might contemplate suicide when their luck is down, but as a passing thought, an angry gesture at escape, but not a seriously contemplated course of action.

no, i will continue...i will race ironman again and probably sooner rather than later.

the question i can't quite fully answer is why? why do i think i can have a better race? why don't i just accept that i am locked into a certain time frame and accept that? or, why not give up? why doesn't a cool calculation of the costs versus the benefits or lack of rewards cause me to just hang it up and race 1/2's for example, where i have had some very good results?

there is no easy set of answers. for one, i just know that i have not been able to race anywhere close to my potential, yes, always for one reason or another, but that knowledge is a big part of what keeps me believing and seeking.

another thing is that the actual racing is only one part of the whole picture, and in some ways, a very small part. i love the lifestyle, the training, the identity, the way of being that my ironman lifestyle provides. this is probably the biggest reason i will continue. if it wasn't ironman, it would be marathons, or ultra's or something. i just like this lifestyle and what it does for me. the actual race format is, in some ways inconsequential, yet the fact that i have yet to actually nail ironman keeps me coming back.

ironman is the one thing in my life i have stuck to beyond the point of reasonable frustration. my life has been a series of passions, both in work and outside of work, projects, forays into areas of knowledge and or skill in which i have shown considerable ability to apply myself with great passion and discipline to something, to attain high levels of accomplishment but then to stop short of true mastery. guitar is a great example. i am content to learn or half learn a knew song or riff every now and then and to play through familiar repertoire. once upon a time i envisioned becoming a true master of the instrument.  there was a time when i played guitar 5 or 6 hours per day, but then, just when things got to the point of entering into the world of true maestro-ship, i kinda gave up and moved on.  the truth is, i encountered barriers that did not seem worth over-coming, or that i did not believe i could over-come. but then there is also the fact that on some deeper level, i just didn't want to. i felt as though i had done enough and it was time to learn about something new.

in work, i have abandoned various projects when confronted with administrative blockades, inter-personal tensions or frustrations or just a knowledge of the true reality of the day to day drudgery and stick-to-itness that real success would require.  at the end of the day, it just wasn't important enough to me to keep pushing through, so i stopped. i haven't quit my job, but it is not the seat of my deepest inner questing.

i can't really explain why i found ironman, or it found me. there is not a rational reason for it. but in it, i seem to have found my passion, for better or worse. it is the one striving that i do not tire of, or give up on...and as much as other people in my life wish i had this same attitude towards other things, i am glad that i have found it here. because it is towars this struggle to overcome that i am most compelled. it is almost because i never seem to get the results i try for, but i still believe i can achieve,  that i keep trying. it is most probably in that dialectic between what has happened and what i think can happen, where i find the energy to keep going. and this is becoming more interesting in that it is not simply an outlet for fantasy or childish phallic narcissism. by pushing forwards into these next phases of my ironman development, i hope that i will also grow as a person, because i will need to in order to reach the point of becoming a master.

so, i learned a lot in texas. i was very happy with my effort and how i managed things. in the moment, that moment where you cross the line, i experienced great joy and self-pride. i will be back.