DOWN IN A HOLE

this summer has brought the longest silence in endurance animal's history. not that anyone cares, not even me, really.

it is no coincidence that this followed the sudden and tragic death of chris cornell. his passing threw me for a loop. it was like part of my neural programming was called into question, basic premises of existence no longer basic or obvious.

i began to mourn others, to delve into their stories. tales of non-endurance, of lives cut short by addiction, intensity, self-absorption and loathing. layne staley, scott weiland, dead grungy anti-heroes.

all of this coincided with a deep physiological hole i was in. i tried to do too much too soon after racing texas sick and i paid for it, my body shut down on me and i was forced to back off from fully participating in my exercise addiction for a while.

sobriety became a catch-phrase. and it was emancipating but then the boundaries between addiction and emancipation became blurry.  i discovered the meaning of the phrase "dry drunk" because even though i wasn't exercising as much, i was still the same person who exercises 20 hours a week. i was like an appetite with no mouth.

life in the hole...where you discover that "i've eaten the sun so my tongue has been burned of the taste...i have been guilty of kicking myself in the teeth" a victim of my own excesses.

ahh, excesses; self indulgence is most certainly one of them. and nothing is more self indulgent than ironman training, except, perhaps, this blog.

so, i have been able to climb out of my hole. my body is coming back to me. it is up to me to use/abuse it in a smarter, more self-actualizing kind've way. will i stop endurance training? hell no. will i stop blogging, probably not. but i will remember my hole and i will continue to dream, but perhaps with more sobriety, perhaps with a more outward and focus (at times) and i will not be in a race towards self-destruction, as my fallen heroes have done.